domingo, 14 de febrero de 2016

Las 20 películas que más me influenciaron

Sin necesidad de ser las mejores que haya visto



Bienvenidos a la versión resumida de mis 20 películas favoritas hasta la fecha, que probablemente varíe a lo largo de los años porque el orden no tiene mucho sentido objetivamente hablando. Si no entro a detalle con alguna es porque me gustaría hacer una vídeo-reseña, ya que mi audiencia parece estar dispuesta a permitirme variedad de estilos.

Empezaré con Spider-man 3 como recordatorio amistoso de lo personal y subjetivo que será este top: las películas que más me influenciaron sin necesidad de ser las mejores que haya visto. Me encanta esta película hasta el punto que podría analizarla escena por escena y demostrar lo injustificado que está su excesivo odio.

Mi audiencia recurrente se hará una idea porque expliqué parte de ello en “Comparaciones Odiosas: Spider-man vs. The Amazing”, pero gran parte de la recepción negativa se originó cuando se puso de moda odiar por Internet. Su mayor problema fue salir un año antes que Iron Man y El Caballero Oscuro. La mentalidad respecto al cine de los superhéroes cambió tan de repente para esta tercera entrega que se le considera el final de las más cómicas y desenfadadas características de los 90 y principios de los 2000.

La era en la que se estrena una película es muy importante para su recepción original. Drácula y Frankenstein fueron las películas más terroríficas de 1931 hasta el punto de poner una advertencia en la segunda. Ambas son patéticas comparadas con el horror actual, pero su atmósfera gótica es insuperable.


Lo más clásico del top

“Frankenstein” y su secuela “La novia de Frankenstein” son películas muy cortas que se complementan como las dos mitades de la misma historia. La primera es un clásico del cine con gran impacto en la cultura popular que difiere del libro, mientras que la segunda incluye más aspectos de la novela.

Lo más sorprendente de estos clásicos es cómo las ideas que alza serían más interesantes de plantear hoy día cuando sus remakes se centran en otros aspectos como el terror y la acción. Ninguna continuación ha logrado recrear su tono y la mayoría de secuelas era para mantener a los Monstruos de Universal en el mercado del cine.

Descubrí esta saga gracias a James Rolfe y su Monster Madness, no podría añadir nada que él no haya dicho. Así que recomiendo tanto las dos primeras películas como sus análisis, especialmente para Halloween si no te gusta ser asustado pero disfrutas de una atmósfera terrorífica.

Hablando de cine clásico, Rocky es probablemente la película más querida de mi lista y probablemente la mejor. Estoy en contra de meter “films obligatorios” en el top porque los expertos pueden irse a la mierda y defiendo el individualismo de cada cinéfilo siempre que sepa por qué le gusta algo.

Todo se siente sucio y real en esta película, incluso los actores no son caritas guapas típicas de Hollywood. Rocky Balboa es un personaje tan carismático que no te importa seguirle durante todo el metraje. Aunque algunos clásicos sean arruinados por las parodias sobreutilizadas, el montaje sigue siendo una de las mejores escenas junto a Rocky gritando el nombre de Adrian al final.


En contra de películas obligatorias

Las secuelas de Rocky caracterizaban a los oponentes casi como simples villanos que quieren derrotarle. Parte del genio en la primera viene de lo indiferente que es Apollo Creed sin caer en lo desagradable. Por último, el hecho de que no son actores atractivos lo hace más único. Los medios deberían mostrar más héroes que no quieran a la chica más guapa y aún así puedan tener la relación más dulce posible.

Rompiendo un poco la norma de las películas obligatorias, considero que todos los autodenominados cinéfilos deberían tener al menos una película de Stanley Kubrick en su top. Es necesario saber qué aportó o mejoró cada una de sus obras a la historia del cine y mi favorita es La Naranja Mecánica. Como dato curioso, Lugosi Lavey dibujó una carátula para el DVD pirata que tengo de esta película, la cual me descargaron antes de tener Internet.

Esta es la primera película de Kubrick que vi y más me influenció cuando era preadolescente y solo me gustaba películas violentas o malhabladas. Esta hubiera sido mi número uno de aquel entonces porque Kubrick logra crear belleza con un personaje al que no te gustaría encontrarte. En la actualidad, puedo detectar cómo logró “engancharme” a través de la dirección, el uso de color y escenas aparentemente interminables.

Mi mayor pega sería que este director no tiene ni una sola película de tono consistente principio a fin, suele haber una mitad superior. La famosa escena de la cárcel me parece lo más pesado y aburrido del film, soy más fan de la primera mitad y el final. Tras ver documentales sobre el genio y su modus operandi, no quiero ni imaginar cuántas tomas necesitó para lograr escenas tan hipnotizantemente revolucionarias.


Las elecciones personales y desconocidas

Closer es probablemente la película más desconocida de mi lista, me sorprendería que alguien la conociera. Descubrí su segunda mitad por TV y me sorprendió tanto que la busqué entera por Internet. Aunque el director cuyo diálogo más me gusta sea Quentin Tarantino, pondría esta por encima.

La película ilustra un cuadrado amoroso en vez del archiconocido triángulo, permitiendo fluir conversaciones entre dos parejas que se engañan entre ellas constantemente. Diría que es difícil de ver si estás experimentando una mala relación, pero cualquiera libre de amores podría disfrutarla si presta atención.

Quizás no sea del gusto de todos, pero cada vez que la veo experimento tantas emociones que merecía un lugar en la lista para llegar a más gente. No hay buenos ni malos, todos cometen errores y puedes apoyar a quien quieras. Si se llama “Closer” es porque te pone muy cerca de ellos, para que los disfrutes y sufras, así como las tetas de Natalie Portman.

Si el film hubiera salido en la Era Dorada del cine o los años 80, quizás hubiera llamado más la atención. Porque todos tenemos al menos una película que se siente ochentera en nuestro top: Die Hard, Hook, Gremlins, Regreso al futuro… En mi caso, esa va para Los Goonies.

Al haber nacido en 1995, estoy a caballo entre la generación de los mileniales y los nativos de los 90. No nací con un ordenador bajo el hombro ni tuve teléfono móvil a los diez años. Esta película vuelve a hacerme saborear la calle y la falta de tecnología noventera, cuando todo era más simple.


Películas que te transportan

Los mejores films son los que no te hacen sentir como un espectador, sino parte del grupo de los Goonies. Adoro su atmósfera, aunque quizás de un modo subconsciente porque me recuerda a donde vivo. Me pregunto si los niños de hoy día sentirán esa semi-nostalgia al ver la película también.

Otra gran atmósfera gris e irrepetible es Unbreakable o El Protegido en España, la segunda película de M Night Shyamalan. Cuando el director debutó con El Sexto Sentido, fue llamado el nuevo Steven Spielberg. Creo que si hubiera seguido el tono de estas dos obras, podría haber sido el nuevo Kubrick.

Adoro lo lenta que se desplaza esta película y lo largas que son sus tomas, realza el misterio de no saber qué está pasando hasta que la revés. Sin revelaros el giro, trata de un hombre interpretado por Bruce Willis que sobrevive demasiados accidentes conociendo al representado por Samuel L. Jackson, prácticamente su doppelganger a quien todo “rompe”.

Me cuesta comprender por qué este film no es tan parodiado como el primero de Shyamalan, desde las conversaciones con ambos protagonistas hasta lo correcto e incorrecto que se siente el final al mismo tiempo. Es uno de mis desenlaces favoritos, los roles más infravalorados de ambos actores y una lástima que se hubiera hecho antes del bum de los superhéroes.


Sobre las películas de animación

El Príncipe de Egipto es para mí la película más grande que se ha hecho en animación 2D, incluso superando El Rey León. Su dirección artística es mucho más destacable, todos los fondos son generados por ordenador y aún así lucen exactamente como pinturas de paisajes egipcios. La banda sonora por Hans Zimmer realmente lo lleva al siguiente nivel que el Éxodo se merece. Las canciones son geniales y muchas elecciones artísticas se quedan contigo.

Las mayores críticas de este film son por ser religiosa y apta para toda la familia, pero ignoran cómo está siendo contada la historia. Los personajes no actúan como caricaturas buenas o malas, sino individuos que creen actuar correctamente en un universo donde Dios es un personaje aparente. Incluso las escenas consideradas infantiles no llegan ni a un solo minuto.

DreamWorks abandonó demasiado pronto la animación tradicional para hacer películas por ordenador más comerciales en aquel entonces. Aunque siguen sacando cine de calidad de vez en cuando, perdieron gran parte de su chispa con el traslado a comercial. Es de agradecer que los animadores veteranos con ideas inmortales intenten revivir proyectos olvidados a través de crowdfunding, porque las historias que ascenderían la animación de género a medio se están perdiendo por el miedo a tomar riesgos.


Finalizando con cine infravalorado

Es un poco vergonzoso superar El Príncipe de Egipto con la película de South Park, considerada por la mayoría ignorante “un dibujo animado de niños que dicen palabrotas”. Para mí, tiene tanto derecho como el resto a considerarse un clásico por el éxito que logran en niveles que otras películas no.

El Renacimiento de Disney finalizó para cuando este film fue estrenado, así que parodian sus tropos con muchísimas referencias a Los Miserables. No se basa en humor barato y escandaloso, sino transmitir un mensaje muy importante con herramientas poco convencionales. La recomiendo en versión original porque a España llegó antes que la serie y el doblaje es pésimo.

Para finalizar, Super parece una copia de Kick-ass por Venga Monjas, pero es mucho más difícil de describir. La considero tanto una de las mejores películas sobre superhéroes como también la más “realista”. Aunque mezcla todas las emociones que puedas pensar, desde comedia hasta drama, pasando por una incómoda escena de hentai con tentáculos. El personaje principal es tan patético que no tiene frenos a la hora de volverse tan surreal como quera. Mi única queja es que la primera escena es muy larga e infantil, hubiera pegado mejor como los créditos finales.


Estas son diez de mis películas favoritas, miradlas con la mente abierta y esperad lo peor porque van a jugar con vuestras emociones. Dentro de una semana, publicaré el top 10 de verdad. Hasta entonces.

viernes, 12 de febrero de 2016

My 20 Favorite Movies (ENGLISH)

Egun on guztioi and welcome to the written and translated version of my 20 favorite movies. I have to thank my audience for letting me change styles and genres to make newer and better stuff. These are the 20 movies I like the most to date, the list will probably change overtime and the order doesn’t actually make much sense. Most of the places don’t differ much and I won’t detail if I plan to do a full review on something.



20º Spider-man 3

A friendly reminder that this is personal and subjective, my top and not yours, the movies that influenced me the most and not the best I’ve ever seen. Starting with this one explains a lot what type of top is this. Forget about what the mainstream community thinks about this one, I love it and even could make an independent analysis scene by scene to show how overhated it is.

I already explained a lot of this one on my “Hateful Comparisons: Spider-man vs. The Amazing”, so my regular viewership has an idea about this. This movie had mixed receptions when it came and got totally negative when hating on the Internet became a trend. It came too late because the next year had Iron Man and The Dark Knight. Those make Spider-man 3 almost a Genre Killer for the cheesy tongue-in-cheek superhero flick. Mentality changed and people started to criticize what was there since the first movie, which was released only five years before. More details in a proper review eventually.


19º “Frankenstein” & “The bride of Frankenstein”

Two in one because they are very short movies and feel like two halves of one story. The first movie is a classic and had a lot of impact on pop culture, but differs a lot from the book. The sequel introduced many elements from the novel that the first installment rejected while doing its own thing.

Dracula and Frankenstein were the scariest movies of their era, 1931, and this one has a warning in the beginning. Nowadays is pathetic on the horror, but the atmosphere can’t be beaten. The Gothic style inspired Tim Burton and many science-fiction writers. Even if nowadays it doesn’t scare, every scene has something amusing to watch or laugh at.

Surprisingly, it raises such interesting ideas that I bet they could be even more interesting nowadays. But the adaptations from today focus in the wrong aspects like the monster, horror or action. There are more sequels and reboots, but they feel more like filler films because studios made Universal Monsters movies at the same time to cash-in.

These first two installments are the funniest, most creative and entertaining. If you aren’t sold, watch Cinemassacre’s Monster Madness. James Rolfe made so many reviews of these franchises that I can’t say anything he hasn’t. I discovered this series thanks to him and his analysis made watching the movies even more substantial. Perfect movies to watch back to back on Halloween if you don’t like scary films.


18º Rocky

Speaking about classic films, this is probably the most beloved one from the list, probably the only “obligatory” movie that every expert agrees on being one of the best. But experts can fuck themselves, every cinephile should have its own identity. Outside of the great soundtrack, this movie doesn’t glorify violence neither sells itself as an obvious story of personal achievement.

Everything in this movie feels real and dirty. Even the actors don’t look like the typical Hollywood pretty faces, which is a plus. Rocky Balboa is such a charismatic guy that you can enjoy watching his life. He’s happy on his misery making silly jokes, he is the ultimate underdog.

So many movies are ruined by the overused parodies, but the montage is still one of the highlights. The ending is awe inspiring too, Rocky screaming Adrian’s name in the crowd is one of the most heartwarming scenes ever. The sequels characterized the opponents almost as villains who just want to beat Rocky, but Apollo Creed is indifferent until the sequel. Even he is likable!

The love story and the fact that they aren’t attractive or popular people is also something I would love to see more in media. Rocky doesn’t want the prettiest girl and they are so sweet together that upgrade the movie from outstanding to almost perfect. Best movie of the top, not my most personal.


17º A clockwork orange

This is my favorite Stanley Kubrick film and, even if I’m against of the “obligatory movies of the top”, any cinephile should have at least one of his. It is necessary knowing how each of his works improved cinema, he was a genius worthy to analyze. Fun fact: A friend pirated this movie for my way before I could access to Internet and later Lugosi Lavery made a cover for the CD.

So this is the first Kubrick movie I’ve ever watched and influenced me when I was a preteen. If this top would had been made then, this would be the number one of a list filled by violent and foul-mouthed films like Nightmare on Elm Street, Saw and Scary Movie. I still maintain it for being the first movie starring a horrible character you don’t want to meet in real life but creates art trough it.

Who else but Kubrick could do that? Nowadays, I can analyze how the direction and color were chosen to “hypnotize” the viewer with long scenes that never end. After watching many Kubrick documentaries, I don’t even want to imagine how many takes he repeated until he got what he wanted.

Even as a Kubrick fan, I can tell you the director hasn’t a single movie with a consistent tone beginning to end. It’s all about a great first or second half, or having the meat in the middle, but never the entire more. Ironically, I like the first part and the ending way more than the famous jail scene. There are like twenty minutes that make me suffer a bit of boredom.


16º Closer

This is probably the obscurest movie on my list. I would be surprised if someone actually knew this one. I originally watched it on TV, but just the second half, which dialogue was so catchy that I had to look for it online. It’s the dialogue. I put this film over a Tarantino movie even if he is one of my favorite directors.

The movie is about a love square, something you don’t see much, most of the time is a triangle. The dialogues undress the affairs between those two couples and letting the situation flow. The cinematography, acting and music are downplayed, but still do their job.

It could be hard to watch, especially if you had a bad relationship. I only suggest it because the dialogue for people free from love and to hear that dialogue. You may don’t like it, maybe you think it’s not that good, but each time I watch it I get so many reactions that deserved a spot in the list.

Nobody is the good guy, nobody is the bad guy, everybody make mistakes and you can root for whoever you want. It’s called Closer because it puts you “closer to them” and at least is something new you can enjoy… and Natalie Portman’s boobies, of course.


15º The Goonies

Everybody has an 80’s film in their list: Die Hard, Hook, Gremlins, Back to the future… Those movies you don’t even have to check the date to know they belong in the 80’s (or early 90’s). Being born in 1995, I’m in the middle of two generations: millennials and natives from the 90’s. I wasn’t born with a computer on my house neither I had a mobile phone at the ten years old.

This movie is for people who “savored the street” and needed to ring the entry phone to play football. Those little moments you miss too much when you are older for how simple they used to be. So Goonies returns me to that time, it makes me a child again. I don’t feel like a viewer, but a member or the group.

I also love the atmosphere, maybe subconsciously because reminds me of where I live, but just the town involves me instantaneously. You can’t make a mainstream movie like this nowadays and a sequel couldn’t be the same. It’s as simple as some kids wanting to find a treasure as far as possible from technology. I wonder if kids of today could identify. Also, Chunk’s tits.


14º Unbreakable

Known as “The Protected” in Spain, this is M Night Shyamalan’s second feature film. For those who don’t know him, he was told being the new Spielberg, but I think he could have been even the new Kubrick. He made The Sixth Sense with one of the most quotable twist endings ever made and established a signature feeling. I love how slow and uncut this movie is, you really don’t know what is happening at the first view.

Without spoilers, it’s about a man who survived too many accidents. It’s like a Nick Fury prequel with Samuel L. Jackson playing the doppelganger, a man who everything “breaks” him. They meet and every scene with both characters is great, but the ending feels so wrong and right at the same time that I can’t believe how it hasn’t been parodied that much.

The final scene makes this film one of my favorites, one of my favorite roles from both Bruce Willis and Jackson. I could say this movie came too early for its own good, today it would be more beloved. Just skip the rest of Shyamalan’s filmography and watch these two.


13º The Prince of Egypt

For me, you are going to hate me, surpasses Lion King on hugest 2D animated film. First of all, art direction, every background is CGI and looks like paintings of Egypt. They render perfectly with the hand-drawn characters and the great cinematography. Hans Zimmer’s score, same as Lion King, leaves it to the next level and gives the “biblical proportions” the Exodus deserves.

Some people hate him just for being religious or family friendly. Just rate it as HOW it is told instead of what is based on. You can feel the emotion and character development unlike any other adaptation. They don’t act like good or bad guys, just people who don’t know what to do in a universe where God is an on-screen character.

DreamWorks abandoned too early the 2D artstyle just to sell more in CGI and I miss that even if then I felt like they were just ripping-off Disney. They totally lost this spark for the most part, even if I like plenty of their CGI films. Thank that veteran animators still have ideas and try to bring them back trough crowdfunding. If 2D animation had followed this route, I think that nowadays animation would be taken as a medium instead of a genre.

Even the overly criticized “childish scenes” don’t even manage to complete a minute of screentime. It’s rewatchable for the songs, animation and great designs like the Angel of Death. For example, the plagues were abridged in just a song to both develop the story and character. They knew were to focus and it paid-off way better than we all expected.


12º South Park: Bigger, longer and uncut

It’s a bit embarrassing going from Prince of Egypt to South Park, “that cartoon about kids insulting”. Yes, I put it over classic films because it succeeds en so many levels. I suggest watching it in English because, at least in Spain, was dubbed before the series with a different cast who don’t sing well.

This movie was released at the end of the Disney Renaissance, so they parody that style of storytelling and tropes with plenty of Les Miserables tributes. It’s so well written and smart that you don’t have to like the show to enjoy it. It’s not about simple shock humor, the commentary is great and truly holds up today as long as you pay attention to what they are saying.


11º Super

Even if it looks like a Kick-ass rip-off by Venga Monjas, it’s something indescribable. I think it’s one of the best superhero films ever made and still the most “realistic”. It mixes everything, you don’t know to laugh or to cry, or to be afraid thanks to a hentai-tentacle scene.


The main character is pathetic at full force and the movie isn’t afraid to go surreal. My only complaint is the first scene because it’s too long and looks childish, it would have worked better as the ending credits. Watch it open-minded and expect the worst because it will play with your feelings. It has one of my favorite climax that rally takes it to the next level.

miércoles, 3 de febrero de 2016

Digimon Abridged Ep3: No Kiba could live here!

*Friendzone Dubs*
MIMI: You are being too machirulo*.
*Colloquial for male chauvinist.
SEADRAMON: The next video is a nonprofit and fanmade parody. Digimon is propiety of Akiyoshi Hongo, Toei Animation and Bandai. Please, support the official release AND A MASK FOR ME!
TENTOMON: Okay, explain it to me again.
KYUBEY: These are the constrictor muscles.
TENTOMON: Am I talking with constrictors?
KYUBEY: Exactly, you are activating your constrictor muscles.
TENTOMON: Look how many cables, Aitor!
NARRATOR: Previously, on Digimon Abridged…
OK… so… pretty much they felt into a river… they went to a beach somewhere with telephones and I think they made a Rickroll joke or something… They fought the ugly barnacle, Agumon evolved into Cubonemon and saved the day…
Episode 3…
SEADRAMON: No one Kiba live here*! Who wrote this?
*”No one could live here” is a TV show called “Aquí no hay quien viva” in Hispanic countries. KibaDubs is the new voice-actor who plays Seadramon and Garurumon.
TAI: I wonder why Agumon evolved.
MATT: I hope he isn’t thinking on boobs anymore.
TAI: Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs and butts…
TAI: Agumon!
AGUMON: What’s up, Tai?
TAI: Why did you return to Agumon after evolving?
AGUMON: Don’t you get it, Tai? They sue us, they sue us! We have to do things differently not to be judged! Pay more attention, Tai!
IZZY: What is that?
TENTOMON: It’s Rhinomon! I know, we couldn’t think any better name.
TAI: That’s a lot of teeth!
MATT: And it looks pissed off.
TAI: Are they already reusing designs for new digimons?
PALMON: No, it means he won’t be an important character.
MIMI: No, please, don’t start so soon with filler episodes!
TAI: One two, one two!
TK: Agh, a ghost stone!
TAI: Avoid the horror chicles*!
*”Chicle” (bubblegum) instead of “cliché”.
TK: Don’t worry, nobody is black in the group to die first.
MIMI: Yeah, but there are hateful bitches…
TAI: Don’t look at me, you are the annoying one.
MIMI: I know, I’m going to die…
AGUMON: Mimi, Joe and you are the worst characters. Why don’t you go with the Digimon Adventure 02 protagonists?
PALMON: Mimi, continue walking, you are embarrassing me in front of everybody.
TENTOMON: You are slow, too slow, Tentomon is bored of waiting. I’m going to that like, follow me if you want.
MIMI: Why don’t you bring the lake to me?
GOMAMON: I want to pee again!
JOE: Wait until we drink before!
MATT: Definitely, let’s camp here.
TAI: Definitely, let’s camp here! Uhuhu…
GABUMON: Oh, such a beautiful contrast…
BIYOMON: The colors are too artificial.
MIMI: Are we going to sleep in the floor?
TAI: Yes, we don’t have concrete so you can sleep with the fishes.
SORA: That came out from nowhere, it’s suspicious!
TAI: Suspiciously comfortable, let’s get inside! One two…
IZZY: Where does this come from?
MIMI: It doesn’t matter, I already took a seat.
MATT: First the telephones and now this? Something doesn’t smell right…
JOE: It’s a conspiracy, Illuminati confirmed…
TAI: No, Joe, get over it…
SORA: Then, with this and sushi…
TENTOMON: We eat your push*…
*The original phrase is “con esto y un bizcocho, te comemos todo el chocho”, which translates as “with this and a sponge cake, we eat your pussy”, but doesn’t rhyme.
IZZY: “Chopa”, yes, it’s a type of fish.
TENTOMON: Don’t interrupt me, I said cho*…
PATAMON: Air spit!*
*The play on words gets lost in the translation because Tentomon get’s interrupted midsentence in “chocho” (pussy), while Patamon shouts “chorro de aire” (air spit).
GABUMON: I surrender!
BIYOMON: Primitive mammal, this is how you do it!
PALMON: No, Mimi, that mushroom is dangerous!
MIMI: How do you know that?
PALMON: I used to have a family before they ate one.
TAI: Well, we have firewood, but not fire.
MATT: How could we make the fire?
SORA: My canary spits fire, but it is green… and spiral.
TAI: Oh, suspense is thrilling me!
AGUMON: Here I come!
TAI: Good work, slave!
IZZY: We fished chopas!
MATT: I’m sure that fish doesn’t exist.
MATT: Tai, you aren’t prepared to independency at all.
TAI: Teach me, I’ve never cooked.
MATT: Give me the fish then.
GOMAMON: You are eating my friends, but I don’t care.
MATT: TK!
TK: What?
MATT: Be careful with the spines.
TAI: Your brother wants to eat your dick!
TK: Let’s start the incestuous fan-fictions*!
*There are too many in the Digimon fandom…
TAI: Hey, Sora!
SORA: I have a boyfriend!
*SORA IS NOT YOUR WAIFU*
TAI: TK and Matt are brothers or just from the same race?
SORA: Izzy and you are brothers?
TAI: Nope, but I have a sister…
SORA: Think about it…
JOE: Look to the stars… not to me.
TAI: Whoa, white dots in the sky!
JOE: I think we are in another galaxy.
TAI: Awesome, I want to meet Yoda!
PATAMON: Cramp, cramp, cramp…
TK: Are you sleepy?
TAI: I’m actually sleepy.
IZZY: Wanting to sleep made me cross-eyed.
JOE: C’mon, Sora, you have to guard.
TAI: Her not, she is a girl, machirulo.
MATT: TK shouldn’t either.
TK: Yes Matt, MATT…
MATT: TK, don’t grab me there, I could go to jail!
MIMI: Leave a bit for the rest.
TAI: Hey, Gabumon, could you share the coat-blanket (batamanta)?
GABUMON: No, leave me alone, I have insecurities!
TAI: You pushed me!
MATT: Leave my dog alone!
TAI: You keep your insecurities for yourself!
MATT: If my doggy says no, it’s no!
JOE: Boys, boys, peace and love!
TAI: I’m going to do the first guard!
MATT: Then I will the second.
JOE: Oho, I got away, being the eldest rules!
MATT: Hey, Gabumon!
GABUMON: Yes?
MATT: You are too warm.
GABUMON: I know.
MATT: It’s not very comfortable…
GABUMON: Yeah.
MATT: I think it’s my turn to guard.
GABUMON: I won’t.
TK: Eh?
GABUMON: Shhh, now you are with me…
AGUMON: Tai, don’t sleep!
TAI: I will walk then.
TAI: Hi, Matt.
MATT: Sorry for what happened before, I couldn’t help it.
TAI: Don’t worry. IS TK your brother?
MATT: Yes, but we don’t live together since our parents divorced.
TAI: Oh, I’m sorry.
TAI: This Matt is too repressed. I bet he will abuse his pokemon.
AGUMON: Digimon…
TAI: That.
GABUMON: You play well…
TAI: Fuck, it’s unbearable!
TK: Come with me, Fluttershy. I have many animals!
TAI: I sleep, I sleep… and I wake up.
TAI: A little vortex!
*Intermission*
I will play Seadramon very dramatic…
*The Christmas Revenge teaser*
Because “sea-dramón”*, he has to be a drama queen.
*In Spanish, “being a big drama”.
*Intermission*
SEADRAMON: Okay guys, I want you to explain what happened.
SORA: So much potential for phallic jokes…
MIMI: I don’t want to hear them!
JOE: I would close the video!
IZZY: But didn’t the obligatory monster of the episode already appear?
TENTOMON: It seems not.
MIMI: This one doesn’t have an amusing name!
IZZY: The island is his butt, isn’t that enough jokes for you?
SEADRAMON: I’m sure we could solve this without relying on violence… or at least with anybody knowing about it…
TENTOMON: Do you think he will calm down if I stop piercing his tail?
AGUMON: I don’t know, jump over it…
AGUMON/TAI: It was sarcasm!
MATT: TK, wait for me!
GABUMON: Should I? Have I already digested the lunch? Doesn’t matter, Jesus in my side!
MATT: One two, one two…
SEADRAMON: I’m sure we could solve this without relying on violence!
BIYOMON: No, violence is the priority!
PATAMON: Right!
SEADRAMON: Not even a scratch…
PALMON: Or we would be watching Lucky Star.
SEADRAMON: You can’t hurt me! And I don’t want to hurt you!
AGUMON: Take a jalapeño!
SEADRAMON: Nothing! My turn?
AGUMON: It looks obsessed on using violence against us.
TAI: Then, evolve!
AGUMON: It’s not that easy…
TAI: Of course, other will evolve in this episode.
TK: Wait for me, Matt!
MATT: Don’t get near the edge, silly!
TK: Brother, I’m here!
MATT: You felt!
TAI: My grandmother swims better than you!
TENTOMON: Tai’s grandmother doesn’t have legs!
SEADRAMON: That joke had a bad taste!
MATT: Get him away, twangy seal.
GOMAMON: I don’t like that name at all…
MATT: Come here, dick joke!
SEADRAMON: Is the homo one talking to me? Hahaha! Sorry…
GABUMON: His sexuality doesn’t concern you!
SEADRAMON: And are you acting as his friend? Go to flirt to another place!
MATT: Lol, look how he is flying.
TK: Oh no! Somebody help him! He’s allergic to not having oxygen!
TAI: Everybody is!
SEADRAMON: Lucky me, right?
TK: It’s going to kill him!
TK: Patamon, help him, partner!
PATAMON: Hey, it’s not my fault if his dog is useless. Are you going to continue doing nothing, Gabumon?
GABUMON: What else? He is too big for me…
SEADRAMON: Any word before blowing him out?
GABUMON: Yes, I would like to confess I hate how he plays the harmonica. It sounds like an asthmatic pug.
MATT: Agh, it burns! This thing is overheating my member!
GABUMON: Don’t worry, I will evolve into a huge-ass dog.
GARRULOMON*: DIGIMON COMMANDO!
*Loutmon
MATT: You cut me, brute!
GARRULOMON: This is the freshest sushi I’ve ever tasted!
SEADRAMON: Get out, stinky!
MATT: Brother, thank you for saving me!
SEADRAMON: Don’t rise to the surface or it will be worse!
GARRULOMOM: Suck this!
SEADRAMON: My eye! I have two, but it hurts anyways!
TAI: So what, is going to finish him or continue playing?
AGUMON: I’m boring!
TENTOMON: Do the finisher!
SEADRAMON: I am going to do my finisher!
SEADRAMON: I love doing drama!
GARRULOMON: Then I copy it!
SEADRAMON: Agh, tell my family I was innocent!
TK/MATT: Yeah!
SEADRAMON: Dramaaa…
GARRULOMON: This is what happens when you mess…
GABUMON: …with the white man.
MATT: Very well, Gabumon, you are not the shittiest one anymore.
TK: Yes, now we know that Mierdasmon* is mine.
*Shitsmon
GABUMON: Or the lettuce, or the seal, or…
TK: And you too, brother, are a hero.
MATT: I know.
GABUMON: You are such an idiot… hahaha.
GOMAMON: Deus Fish Machinima*.
*Deus Ex Machina + Fish + Machinima
BIYOMON: That pun has been the worst of all.
GABUMON: I know.
SORA: I’m so tired… Massage my butt!
IZZY: So nice, so nice…
SORA: How could those evolutions work?
IZZY: Plot conveniences?
SORA: I think they are related to danger.
TAI: What we suspected, convenience at full force.
IZZY: What I was saying, like all animes.
SORA: Spoilers, nobody will die. Hey, you, go to die anywhere else!
AGUMON: That’s right, kids! Put you on danger like the Twilight bitch.
BIYOMON: Or the one from Jupiter Ascending, she’s even worse!
MIMI: Good, Lettucemon will evolve next.
TK: Thank you again for saving me. Should we do it? Yes, Matt…
TAI: Ups, I came…
TAI: I strongly ejaculated!
NARRATOR: Fuck, they killed the funniest character.
*Friendzone Team*
Hi, I’m the attractive Kiba and I compromise in front of this person to dub a character in the Digimon Abridged series Friendzone is going to make*.

*This was recorded before Episode 1.